Baka Usagi
by SincerelyRainbow
Summary: Battered and abused, Kanda is so out of his element that it scares Lavi. Suddenly being called baka-usagi seems like paradise. Lavi x Kanda ; Full summary inside.
1. Prologue

**TITLE: **Baka-Usagi (Working Title)  
**RATING:** T for strong content.  
**PAIRING: **LaviYuu  
**GENRE: **Romance/Drama/Angst/AU  
**POV: **Lavi's.  
**WARNINGS: **Boy love, obviously. Mentions of rape and mild torture. Possibly strong language.  
**SUMMARY: **May 3rd, Yuu Kanda went missing. Lavi did his best to cope, hanging on a string of hope that one day his best friend would return. By sheer luck, he finds his friend in the worst of places, completely broken. As it turns out, Kanda had been kidnapped that night, tortured and raped. Battered and abused, Kanda is so out of his element that it scares Lavi. Suddenly being called _baka-usagi _seems like paradise. And Lavi would do absolutely anything to make things better, but better seems so far out of reach.  
**NOTES: **So while I was thinking of drabbles for How We Got Here (Still working on that by the way), I realized something. There's so many fan-fics where something bad happens to Lavi that makes Kanda realize he loves him. But you don't really see it the other way around. So I asked MistressKanda, a friend of mine, which sounded better: the story you'll be reading here or a coma. She picked this one. Then we started talking about it, and I've got to say prepare the tissues for later. ._. The prologue is just here to get to the general setting, so I don't have to put in pointless flash-backs. I don't quite care for this chapter, but the next one is going to be better.

* * *

I will never forget May 3rd. I had been sick with the flu. How I had managed to get the flu in the latest part of spring was beyond me. But more importantly than that, May 3rd was the day that my best friend, Yuu Kanda, went missing.

At first, everybody thought he had run away. Originally, he had told Tiedoll, his guardian, that he was going to the cafe that we usually hung out at. Then after that, he was supposed to stop by my house and check on me. But somehow, he never made it to my house. The lady at the cafe had remembered seeing him. It wasn't as though Kanda (he liked going by his last name) was a particularly forgettable face. Piercing blue eyes that seemed to look through everything, slightly high cheek-bones and soft lips that rarely smiled, he was unforgettable. It'd be pointless to point out that I had developed a crush on Yuu some time ago. That aside, he had never made it to my house.

The police said it was probably a runaway case. After all, Kanda wasn't social, and therefore didn't have many enemies. However, they promised to keep the case open. Everybody seemed so fucking content to consider it a runaway though. It almost hurt because I knew it wasn't one. Kanda didn't run away from anything, and Yuu wouldn't runaway without me.

**LKLK**

The first week was the hardest on me. I wanted so much to get out of bed and search for him. Search because I knew he hadn't ran away, search because something was so completely wrong that I just needed to hear from Kanda to keep my world from collapsing in on itself. Except every time I tried to get out of bed, I was too weak to take more than a few steps. It was like torture, being confined to the bed when all I needed to do was get out. So I did the only thing I could. I called his phone, leaving messages until the inbox was full. Although, I don't think I filled it myself. Worry had long since settled in Tiedoll as well, and he was much like a mother duck looking for her babies. And when the inbox was full, I sent texts. Small ones. Just simple ones.

_Yuu, where are you?_

_Let me know you're safe._

_I hope you're okay._

_I miss you._

_Call me or something. ANYTHING!_

Anything that I thought would get him to come around. Because if by some chance he did really run away, then I wanted to be the first one that got a damned good reason why.

But a reply never came. Not one single reply.

**LKLK**

Another week passed, then another and another, until finally a month had passed. A month and three days to be exact, which brought us to June 6th, Kanda's birthday. Of all the days that Kanda had been gone, that day had to be the hardest. Even harder than the first week. By this point, nobody really knew what to think. The runaway idea had long faded, and real fear had settled in. Nothing seemed right about it. With no sign of him anywhere, there wasn't much to go on. Hell, we didn't even know who to look at as a suspect.

Nothing made sense anymore. The only thing I was sure of was that I missed my best friend something awful. His birthday had done little to ease the hurt.

I spent his birthday at his house.

The atmosphere was somber at best and depressing at worst. Marie, who didn't say much anyway, sat quietly and observed. Tiedoll tearfully sketched away at a charcoal drawing of Kanda, in honor of his birthday. And Daisya, who was usually the loudest and most obnoxious of us all, sat quietly and read a book that Kanda had always told him to read. I just sat curled in on myself on the sofa and watched Tiedoll draw. The drawing hurt to look at. There was no celebration for his birthday. There was no point in having one. Kanda wasn't there to celebrate it anyway. We had no idea where he was. Cross, a neighbor and parent of my friend, had told us that it was probably best to prepare for the worst.

"He's probably dead by now. People don't just go missing like that."

But I would hear none of that. Kanda wasn't dead, he couldn't be dead. This was Kanda. He was strong, stubborn and damn near impossible. He just couldn't be dead. This was my best friend. The one I had been with since we were five years old! The one whom I had fallen in love with. He couldn't be gone, not without me getting to tell him.

He couldn't be dead.

That's the thought I clung to for the next three weeks. This strange hope that he was going to show up at my doorstep, apologies and a scowl at the ready.

But of all the scenarios that had played constantly in my mind since the day he had left, none of them could have possibly prepared me for what would happen the night of June 18th.

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**Ending notes:** Reviews, please? If you deem me worthy, anyway. If not, I completely understand.


	2. Alley

**NOTES: **It's too early/late to being writing Author Notes. XD So all I'm going to say is fucking hell, I feel so bad for everybody in this chapter! TAT It pains me to write Kanda like this. TAT  
FUCKING HELL, I FORGOT A DISCLAIMER. As obvious as it should be, I do not own D Gray Man! ._. I'm going to bed now!

* * *

Daisya and I walked around the city. We had been playing soccer out in the park then decided to walk around the town for the hell of it. There wasn't much else to do anyway. I stayed bored without Kanda being around. It was weird to me because I had never noticed how much I depended on him until he was gone. But Daisya had forced me to go to the park with him and play soccer with some of the other guys. I hadn't been as social as I used to be with Kanda gone. There was just something that seemed so wrong with going out and having a good time when I had no idea where my best friend was. But really, I had no drive to do anything anyway.

"You know, Lavi," Daisya began when we stopped walking. He bounced the soccer ball back and forth on his knees as he spoke, "You need to get out more. I know you miss Kanda and all, but damn, you've got to try to keep living."

I hated the way he spoke, as though Kanda were dead. It was how everybody was beginning to speak. Everybody except me and Tiedoll. It was going on two months missing, with no signs of him anywhere. There had been no tips, no phone calls, nothing. The case, if there had really been one to begin with, had gone cold. I don't even know if the police really ever tried to find him. I had though. I had searched as much as I could. Sometimes my friend, Allen, came with me. They had never really liked each other, but Allen was too kind-hearted not to help out. We hadn't found anything either. I thought I had found him once, but it had just turned out to be a girl with remarkably similar hair. Needless to say, it was a let-down. A major one at that. My heart had soared when I thought it was him, but it crashed and burned when she had turned around.

"He'll be back," I muttered, more to myself than anything.

Daisya had heard me. His eyes went downcast, and he ran his fingers through his messy brown hair. "I hope so, Lavi. I hope so."

I leaned against the brick building, my lone eye staring ahead at nothing in particular. It seemed like every day I was thinking about him. Maybe Gramps had been right when he said I had grown too dependent on Kanda, and Kanda too dependent on me. But what did he expect? Kanda didn't socialize well, so I was one of the few people he was close to. Of course, he was dependent on me. And I needed him to keep me focused, to keep me grounded. We balanced each other out almost perfectly.

"Did you hear that?" questioned Daisya.

I shook my head, mind snapping back to reality and back to the present. Listening carefully, I tried to pinpoint just what it was I was supposed to be listening for. All I could hear was the occasional breeze and passing car. There wasn't anything else. Most of the people were at some festival on the other side of town, so it was strangely quiet. Suddenly, there was a loud clank in the alley we were standing next to. It had sounded like something fell against---or in, maybe---the dumpster. My face scrunched up. "What do you think it is?"

He shrugged, and we both peered in the alley. It was too dark to see very far into it. The furthest we could see was about five feet, just within the street light's limit. "Maybe it's just a cat," I stated quietly.

"Let's go check it out anyway!" Daisya had always been the mischievous, thrill seeker. A mysterious noise in the alley was just the type of thing he'd go after. Not to say, I didn't mind a bit of a thrill myself. Still, this seemed like a lot of trouble to go through for a cat. Rolling my eye, I followed him into the alley.

"I can't see shit," I grumbled, jamming my hand into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. I flipped it over, using the screen as a make-shift flashlight. I shined it towards the dumpster, my breath catching in my throat.

"K-Kanda?"

Before I had time to do anything, my knees gave out. I fell to the concrete in front of the form of my best friend. I observed him, my vision threatening to blur with the tears that were trying to pour down my face. His hair was hanging over his shoulders, a bit longer and uncombed. His blue eyes were sunken in and dark underneath. He was skinner than he had been, and his skin paler. He was in a loose fitting pair of jeans with no shirt. From the light of my cell phone I could see various cuts and bruises. But what shocked me most was the fact his wrists were loosely bound behind his back.

My mind was racing, and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. I reached behind Kanda, untying the knot that held his wrists, and clung to him. Tears poured down my cheek, falling into dirty, black hair. I was so scared to let go, scared that if I did, he would disappear. I broke down even more when I felt his hands loosely clinging to my shirt. They were shaking weakly. It was as though the Yuu Kanda I had known had been completely shattered.

Daisya went to speak, but I shove my phone at him, praying that he knew I wanted him to call for help. My voice wouldn't come. Every time I tried to talk, it came out in choked sobs. And Kanda hadn't spoken at all. I could feel it when I clung to him that he was trying to be strong. He had never been the type to be openly emotional. Even then, when it was obvious he had been through hell and back, he was trying to hold onto that strong side that he worked so hard to maintain. It was heartbreaking in its own way. I, on the other hand, was crying enough for the two of us. After everybody had told me to give up, and told me to just face the fact that he might never come back, I finally found him.

But the way things looked, it was hardly a happy moment. It took all the energy I had at the moment to pull away from Kanda long enough to take off my jacket and drape it around him. He didn't say anything then. His hollow, blue eyes just seemed to stare down at the ground, rarely looking up at me. It was Kanda, but it wasn't my Yuu at all, which meant I had to do whatever I could to get the old Yuu back.

How was I supposed to do that when he wouldn't even look at me? Wouldn't even speak?

Shaking hands clung back to my shirt, Kanda pulling himself closer to me. The lump in my throat came back, tears pricking at my eye again before spilling down my cheek. I wrapped my arms around him again, pulling him close.

"I-It's gonna be...okay," I cried, two months of emotion rushing out of me, "I-I missed y-y-you."

Kanda didn't reply, but I did feel him nod, fingers loosely clutching the fabric of my shirt. I don't know how long we stayed like that, just clinging to each other. Myself afraid of losing him again, and I think he was afraid of being alone. It was so strange to me to see the boy that had defended me all those times in middle school, my best friend, so broken. Kanda, the boy who never seemed to need anybody, needed me. And at that moment, I needed him too. I needed him back.

"W-Where...Where have you been?" I managed to choke out, feeling him shake his head against my chest, showing that he didn't want to talk about it. I nodded in response. We'd talk about it later, I figured. Right then, all I wanted to was get him help and hold him as we waited for help to arrive.

* * *

**NOTES: **, YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME WRITE THE COMA. TAT And I'll go ahead and say, it'll probably get worse...I'm going to bed now. ._. Reviews, please?


	3. Stay

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **Whoa, it's been way too fucking long since I updated this. Over a month, yes? Sorry about that! I can't believe the response this story has gotten actually. I didn't expect it to have much popularity, but at 12 reviews and an uncounted number of alerts and faves, I must say that I am eternally grateful to my readers. I love you guys more than I can say.  
So, uhm, about this chapter...I kind of like it. But I don't really know what I need to say about it. Besides the fact Tiedoll and a Station Wagon is entirely too fitting. Don't knock the Station Wagon. He almost had a Voltz Wagon Beatle Bus. Not that I could see Kanda riding in one of those. Uhm, there's more angst in this chapter. But really, what do you expect with this story? IT WILL GET BETTER THOUGH! ;n; It shant be angsty the entire time. c:  


* * *

  
Twenty minutes or so had passed, I figured. We still hadn't moved, hadn't tried to move. Kanda still hadn't spoken. In fact, he hadn't really made any type of noise, not even a cry. He had never been the type for words, but this was nerve-wrecking. I couldn't figure out what to do. I couldn't even cry anymore. I had forced myself to stop. If Kanda was trying so hard to be strong, then I had to too, despite the fact a large piece of me felt like it was dying. I simply sat there and held him close, resting my chin on top of his head. One arm stayed around him, while the other ran through his hair.

It was completely different from all the other times I had done it. Before all this happened, when we would spend the night together, I would play with his hair as he was falling asleep. And while Yuu would never admit it, I think he liked it because his face would relax, and I think sometimes his lips twitched into a very faint smile. It comforted him I think. But now it didn't seem to be doing much of anything. He laid against me, as tense and silent as he had been when I first grabbed him.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to speak again, my voice coming out choked and raspy, "I'm…not gonna…let you go…ever again."

I don't know why I said it, but I noticed the fingers clutching my shirt squeezed tighter, and the arm that I hadn't been keeping up with was very loosely wrapped around my waist. It was as if he wanted to keep me there. Any other time that would have made me happy, but the usual punch in the shoulder and '_baka-usagi_' would have been welcomed.

The sounds of Tiedoll's rickety Station Wagon echoed faintly in the alleyway. I was thankful help had arrived but didn't bother to move. A part of me just couldn't pull away from Kanda, not even for the few moments it would take to get to the car. Glancing up, I could see Tiedoll and Daisya silhouetted in the entrance to the alleyway. I didn't have to see Tiedoll's expression to know what it was. Despite all three of them being adopted, he treated his sons as though they were his flesh and blood. I don't think I've seen biological parents care about their kids as much as he did about his.

"Can he move?" questioned Daisya.

I hadn't thought about it. Kanda hadn't moved since I found him, but I hadn't really cared yet. All I cared about was the fact that I had him back, and he was alive. Everything else would come later, I guessed. I glanced up and shrugged. It was the best I could do at the moment. My own voice had died again. A choked sob escaped Tiedoll. Neither Daisya or I were surprised. Tiedoll had a tendency to be almost overly emotional.

Daisya sighed, placing a hand on his guardian's shoulder. "Come on. Let's get them to the car. Should we take him to the hospital?"

I looked down at the boy in my arms. He looked up at me for the first time, his expression clearly stating he didn't want to go the hospital, or any doctor for that matter. It wasn't unexpected. He was prideful and always had been. He didn't want anybody to see him like this, but I was worried about his health. He had been gone for two months, and it was obvious that he hadn't been anywhere good. I knew he wouldn't like the answer, but I glanced up at Daisya and nodded. Kanda's health meant more to me than him being temporarily mad. Yuu meant more to me.

It took quite a bit of strength to pull myself together and rise to my feet. It took even more to pull Kanda to his. He stumbled at first, and I made him put his arm around my shoulder. The first thing I noticed was that he was shaking, and I couldn't figure out if it was his nerves or if he was cold. I hoped it was the second. My Yuu was rarely nervous, but this wasn't my Yuu at all.

It was like some kind of cowardly body snatcher stole my Yuu and left me with this hollow doll-like Kanda. The others led us to the car. I wasn't sure who they were leading more, me or Kanda. Everything around me had faded out the minute we had found Kanda, leaving me with tunnel-vision focused solely on the boy whom I had missed so much. My arm around his waist tightened.

**LKLK**

The ride the hospital was long and tiresome. I don't remember much of it except for the fact the entire way there, I kept Kanda close to me. Of course, that wasn't much of a surprise to anybody. Kanda's head stayed on my shoulder, and his eyes were closed. I don't think he was sleeping though. I think he was just trying to block everything out, and it made me wonder just what had happened to him.

I didn't have to be told it was bad. Kanda wouldn't disappear without me for two months for anything good. We were best friends. Going back to when we were in kindergarten, we did almost everything together. But knowing that it was something bad wasn't something I liked thinking about. So I tried not to think about anything on our way to the hospital. I just sat there holding him close, my mind spiraling too much to do anything else.

**LKLK**

We arrived at the hospital some time later, and when the nurse tried to escort Kanda into an examining room, I felt what part of my heart that hadn't been broken already shatter. Nothing was said between the two of us when they were taking him to the room, but the look in his eyes said more than enough.

It was a look I hadn't seen in his eyes before, but I knew immediately what it meant. He didn't want to be in there by himself. There was an underlying look of fear was in his eyes, and it hit hard enough to make the breath catch in my throat. Almost instantaneously, I darted towards the door. A guard caught me, and I felt myself thrashing and punching to get in there. The fight was short lived. I just didn't have it in me to fight, and I fell to the ground in a heap, shoulders shaking and hunched over.  


* * *

**ENDING NOTES: **Can I go ahead and say I don't actually like writing Kanda so...broken. It kinda hurts to do. I'm used to doing angsty Lavi. I mean, I RP as him a lot so yeah. But this whole thing will get better!

Once again, thank you for the (undeserved?) love.


	4. Sedated

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **So this was actually finished (except for ONE line) this Wednesday. I wrote it while the cable guy was trying to fix our internet that he broke trying to fix our TV. I had no TV or internet for...six hours. It was maddening. XD It's kind of short chapter. But most of them seem to be anyway. I need to work on lengthening my chapters. But I really like this chapter. Uhm, not much else to say. Except I don't know shit about sedation, so if it's off, that's why. :D EITHER WAY, enjoy~  
...I want...a popsicle...[/wanders off]  


* * *

  
The worst thing about the hospital when you're not a patient is the waiting. I sat outside in the smokers' area and texted my second-best friend, Allen, continually. Kanda didn't like Allen much, or at all for that matter, but I needed somebody to talk at that moment. There wasn't anybody else I could talk to at the moment. I kept the details vague, not mentioning the way Yuu's hands had been bound or the strange stare he had given me in the waiting room. I couldn't, physically or emotionally. My hands were shaking too much to text it. At that moment, I had wished I was a smoker because I needed something, anything, to calm me down. I wanted to be sedated.

I guess my texts had worried Allen because I felt a comforting hand placed soundly on my shoulder. I glanced up, realizing it was his familiar face smiling sadly down at me. I grabbed the arm on my shoulder and pulled its owner into a sitting position next to me. My arms were around his torso in a clinging manner, and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. It didn't take long for me to finally break. When I was with Kanda, I couldn't cry. I had to fight off all urge to cry because he needed me. He hadn't flat out said it (or anything else), but I could tell by that look he gave me. So I had to stay strong for both us when I was around him. However, I wasn't with Kanda, and I needed to get everything out before I had to go back into the room and back to my best friend's side.

And so I broke, crying almost silently against Allen's lithe form.

**LKLK**

Going back wasn't easy. Allen had left again. He didn't think that Kanda would want him there when we actually got to visit. He was probably right. I don't think Kanda really wanted anybody there, certainly not Allen. Allen leaving didn't bother me, but the sudden rush of loneliness that followed almost knocked me off my feet. With him there, I had felt like it was okay to be worried about all of this. It was okay to break down just for a moment. But now I was alone again, which meant I had to put back up the strong front, and I wasn't sure just how long I could manage it.

I stood there silently, too unsure of anything to speak. Tiedoll and a doctor were talking, but I don't think I was listening. Tiedoll's face said more than what I wanted to hear. So I just stood there like a statue and waited until I heard those words that gave me the permission I had so needed to hear. Permission to go to his room.

Except I was about two minutes too early.

I rushed in just in time to see Kanda and two doctors. There was a short lived struggle, Kanda writhing beneath their arms before a needle when into the bend of his arm and left him completely still. My eye widened, mouth hanging open slightly.

"What'd you do?!" my voice came out in a desperate yelp as I watched him fall motionless and backwards onto the bed. One of the doctors looked to me. His face was twisted in mock sympathy, but the look never reached his eyes.

"A mild sedative. It just calmed him down. He'll be fine," he replied, scribbling on a clipboard and leaving the room. The other doctor said something to me, but I don't think I was listening. She walked out of the room shortly after, black heels clacking against the floor, leaving me and Kanda alone.

Swallowing the lump that had managed to grow in my throat once more, I made my way to the bed and looked down to my best friend. His sapphire eyes were hollow looking, but he didn't seem to be looking at anything. He seemed like a doll, not noticing anything around him. He hadn't even noticed that I was there. Yet, somehow under the sedative, he seemed almost peaceful. His face showed no real emotion, but it didn't show the pain or the fear that I had seen hours---had it really been that long?---before. His eyes seemed so impossibly empty.

I reached up and brushed my fingers through his hair, flattening the bits that splayed around the pillow. It seemed shorter now than it had been earlier, only going a few inches past his shoulders now. My other hand had managed to find Kanda's. I laid it on top of his, barely aware of the heart monitor clipped to his index finger. I traced circles on top of his hand with my thumb and leaned forward to place a small kiss on his cheek.

"It's gonna be okay, " I whispered into his ear, "I…I love ya, Yuu."

It felt nice to say it, after not knowing if I'd ever get to. But it was depressing to think that he probably hadn't heard me say it all.

**LKLK**

The second worst thing about being in a hospital without being a patient is trying to sleep. The plush mock-leather chair pulled out into a bed. I managed to curl my body slightly, enough to lay in the chair without my feet hanging off the edge. But I couldn't sleep. Tiedoll and Daisya were in one of the patient waiting rooms. It had couches and things for people to sleep in when only one visitor could sleep in the room. I don't know how I ended up being the one who got to stay in the room, but it wasn't as comfortable as I had hoped it would be.

Kanda was asleep, or knocked-out one. From what I had gathered, the IV hooked into his arm was pumping some pretty strong pain killers into his body. His face twitched every now and then, but for the most part, he remained perfectly still. It gave me a chance to look, actually _look_, at him for the first time since I had found him.

He had gotten skinnier, but that much was a given. It was to the point of malnourished, which that alone worried me. Yuu hadn't eaten healthy in the first place, Soba being a corner-stone meal in his diet. But somehow he had managed to stay healthy, rarely getting sick or injured. But now healthy was the last thing he looked. There were bandages on his collarbone that seemed to cover a scratch, maybe scar, that I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed before now. There were a few small nicks on parts of his arms, already scarred over. Anything on his torso that I hadn't noticed was out of sight, hidden beneath hospital gown and blanket. His wrists still had marks, maybe from rope or something else. I couldn't tell which. There were bruises, marring his formerly flawless skin. He was broken.

It made me sick.

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**ENDING NOTES: **Hey, look, THERE WAS AN ALLEN! o 3o;; There's gonna be some other characters tossed in, obviously. o 3o Must say I hate hospitals myself. So these hospitaly chapters...meh... ;n;

I need a hug. And reviews? o u o


	5. Intertwined

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **GUESS WHO'S BACK? BACK AGAIN? RAINBOW'S BACK! TELL A FRIEND! Okay, yeah...so I feel the urge to apologize profusely for being gone for a year...and four months. Life has gotten the better of me I suppose. That and other fandoms. But it surprised that no matter how much this story didn't update, there were still emails in my inbox of reviews and faves for it. And that made me realize that you guys were enjoying this story, and that it wasn't fair of me to just ditch it without an explanation.

And I really missed writing for these two. Writing in first person is really hard I must admit, and part of me wishes I hadn't started this in first person. Nonetheless, I shall prevail! I hope to get into some kind of more predictable schedule for updates on this! But however it goes, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all the love this story has gotten. You will never grasp how much it means to me. I hope this new installment does not disappoint.

**DISCLAIMER: **... Despite taking a hiatus that was as long as one of Hoshino's, I do not now nor will I probably ever own D. Gray Man.  


* * *

Three in the morning came quicker than I had expected, though I don't think I was paying much attention to the clock in the first place. I spent most of the night just staring. Staring at Yuu, staring at the walls, my mind trying to grasp onto any bit of logic, to any reason why. Why had this happened to Kanda of all people? Who had done it? Why had they done it? I couldn't make heads or tails of anything except for how grateful I was just to have him back.

He wasn't really back though. Physically, he was. But the hollow shell of Kanda which laid in the hospital bed, hooked to machines and pumped full of medication wasn't my Yuu. He looked every bit the part, but inside he was shattered, a mess of what he once was. And though I had always been one for puzzles, this was one puzzle I never wanted to put together.

My gaze was fixed out the lone window, looking out towards the night sky. I rested my head against the glass, letting the cold pressing against my forehead try to make some sense out of my incoherent thoughts. It didn't do much good, and I found myself simply staring and my mind a complete blank.

"L-Lavi…" The voice was faint and rasped, but it was undeniably Yuu. I nearly fell off the tiny couch-bed I had perched myself on the second I heard him. Body twisting, and neck jerking fast enough to almost break, I shuffled over to the other bed.

Bleary blue eyes were half-way focused on me. I pulled the small plastic chair next to the bed and sat as close to him as I could manage. "Yeah, Yuu…it's me," I whispered pathetically, surprised at how weak my own voice sounded.

He didn't reply. He just stared, and for a moment, I didn't know what to do. I stared back at him, my eye taking in each contour of his face. His cheeks seemed sunken in, and his eyes were impossibly dark. His already pale skin seemed almost translucent, cheeks dusted pink in fever. But it was still Kanda, and he was at least awake. And that was the most I could hope for given the situation.

I blindly groped the blankets, fingertips brushing over cold skin. He showed no signs of resistance when my hand grasped for his immediately afterward. I traced circles on the back of his hand with my thumb and felt my heart break further when his fingers weakly clinched around mine. I allowed my other hand to reach up and run through his hair, fingers barely making it half-way through before becoming lost in masses of tangles. So I dropped my other hand, letting it sit idly on the edge of the his bed.

The logical side of my mind knew that I needed to call a nurse. Surely, Kanda needed more medical attention now that he awake. I knew that I was supposed to alert everybody when his condition changed. But somehow I couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried though, moving to stand before I felt the grip around my fingers tighten just barely. Kanda didn't have to tug or say anything for me to know what he wanted. So I sat back down. My fingers went back to the same circling pattern, and the room went back to its previous still.

I glanced up at Kanda once more. His eyes had closed, though I could tell he wasn't asleep. Even still, I let my own head rest on my free arm, eye closing. Eventually, I stopped tracing over his skin, lacing my fingers with his. It wasn't long afterwards that sleep overtook us.

Despite being in a hard plastic chair and the smell of antiseptics filling my senses, with his hand held safely in mine, it was the best I had slept in months.

**LKLK**

The blissful sleep I had finally fallen into was short lived. There was a tap on my shoulder, a nurse smiling down at me. Her hair was pulled back into a curly ponytail, and there was a strangely nervous smile on her face. "I-I'm sorry, but the doctor needs to see him alone for just a second," she stated, her voice shaky, "B-but you can come back when he's done."

With a small yawn, I nodded and moved to sit up. I was surprised that my fingers were still intertwined with his. Any other time, Kanda would have noticed something like this and pulled away almost immediately. He'd blush a bit, but he'd deny that. He was "a fucking guy" after all. I'd smirk and poke at his cheek before getting a light punch to the shoulder, and life would go on like it always did.

The memory left a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth.

I slipped my fingers out of his grasp and leaned down to place a small kiss to his cheek. The nurse said nothing as I made my way towards the door. I peeked over my shoulder. She checked his vital signs and scribbled on a clip board, and he laid there still in whatever medicated sleep he had fallen into.

As the door closed behind me and I made my way through the hospital halls, I realized just how long the road to normal was going to be. And I hoped beyond all hoping that it would be a fast one, even though we seemed to be at a stand-still.

Hoping was all I had left.  


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**ENDING NOTES: **I'm hoping to extend the upcoming chapters! Longer updates would probably be nice, huh? I just felt the need to get this one up to show that I wasn't dead. c: ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH!


	6. Shatter

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **Hey guys! Look! It hasn't been a year since my last update this time. It's only been...almost eight months. Geeze, I need to stop doing this to you guys, seriously. You have no idea how much beating myself up I've done over this story. I've been wanting to work on it so much, and just haven't been able to. It's been a confusing time in life. But I have to say cosplaying Lavi brought out my muse for him, and this is somehow what I've ended up working on? Is anybody even still reading this story?

I've been thinking about rewriting a few of the earlier chapters, but I don't know. Either way, this chapter has actual plot development in it! Who woulda thought? But there's no fluff. I'm sorry. :c I do miss making Lavi and Kanda cuddle though. We'll get to that point eventually. I hope. Also, Lenalee makes her first appearance. Even though lately I don't care for her character, I can't see her not being a part of their lives, even AU. So yeah... LET'S GET ON WITH THE CHAPTER. IDK. IT'S 2 AM AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET. D8

**DISCLAIMER: **I wish I was awesome enough to own D. Gray Man. :c

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"Lavi?" A tiny voice snapped me out of the trance I had fallen into as I paced the halls.

I turned to see who it was, eye widening in surprise when a small Chinese girl came into view. Before me stood Lenalee Lee. She was one of our friends, but it still surprised me that she had already found out. Maybe she had been talking to Allen. Those two always had a thing for each other, though neither would openly admit it…

"Hey, Lena-chan," I tried with every fiber of my being to be my "normal" self, to put on the mask I was so good at wearing. It hurt my cheeks to try and fake a smile. There was nothing inside of me that felt like smiling anyway. The hand on my shoulder seemed to understand my pain.

I gave her a quick once over. The rims of her amethyst eyes were red, an obvious sign that she had been crying. It hardly surprised me. Lenalee had a tendency to wear her heart on her sleeve. "W-what happened to Yuu?" Her voice came out so soft that I almost didn't hear her question.

I didn't know how to answer it either. What _had _happened to Yuu? The details were still a mystery, and all I knew was it was nothing good. I bit on my lower lip, eye averting away from Lenalee and to the hideous watercolor painting on the wall. A ragged breath escaped my chest as my mind tried to put together the pieces. All I could think of was finding him by the dumpster, the bruises and scrapes, his body so thin and shaking against mine, the ties binding his wrists… So I answered the only way I knew how. "I dunno, Lena-chan…"

It sounded pathetic to my own ears, and I found that I couldn't look at her. But the hand perched on my shoulder didn't move. "Lavi…"

"What do I do, Lenalee?" My mouth seemed to be finding words that my brain wasn't catching. "I'm not used to seeing him like this, y'know? So broken and just…He's not even Yuu right now! And I dunno how to fix it. I can't make it go away for him, and I really wanna. But I just…" My throat tightened, and there was a stinging sensation at the back of my eye. I sank down, back pressed against the wall. My knees supported my head as my brain searched for answers it simply didn't have. "I dunno what happened…or even what's happen_ing _or what's gonna happen…I just…"

My words caught in my throat, and whatever had been pricking at the back of my eye was now freely flowing down my cheek. I hated crying, hated the disgusting useless feeling it gave me. But it seemed to be the only thing I could do. Before I could stop myself, I felt my head being nestled into a chest, and fingers started running through my hair. The occasional soft sniffle told me that Lenalee was crying too. So we sat there, clinging to each other. We didn't know what else to do.

**LKLKLK**

The sound of feet shuffling drew close to us. Wiping my eye furiously, I glanced up, praying that any evidence of crying would disappear quickly. Staring down at me with large, brown eyes was the nurse from that morning. There was a clipboard in her hand and the look on her face told me that anything she had to say probably wasn't good.

"H-how's Yuu?" Lenalee asked, her voice shaking.

"W-well… He's asleep again, but that's to be expected. The medication for pain is pretty strong. A-as you know, he went to surgery today." Lenalee's eyes widened while the nurse spoke. She seemed to understand this and continued in a slightly more reassuring tone, "It was just to reset the bones in his leg. They had healed wrong during his…" Her voice cut off as though she was unsure of how to continue. "Disappearance?"

The frown that spread across her lips showed that she was still unsure of the right wording. But nonetheless, she continued speaking, "He's on some various IV's. T-the poor boy was severely malnourished…" She trailed off again, her brown eyes skimming across the clipboard. She read few lines before she spoke. "I really can't tell you much more. I'm so, so sorry…B-but the doctor has to tell you anything else…I-I can only tell anymore to direct family members, but you can go see your friend now…"

We hardly gave her any time to add anything else. The two of us made our way towards Kanda's room, Lenalee following my lead. The door was cracked open slightly and peeking inside, I could see Tiedoll and Marie. Tiedoll was perched in my chair, right at the edge of the bed, while Marie stood watch from a more secluded corner of the room. I didn't have to hear anything. From the look on Kanda's caregiver's face, I knew they knew more than I did. The feeling of despair hung over the room like a cloud.

I walked towards the bed, noticing the newly added cast to Yuu's leg. A small gasp escaped Lenalee who was seeing him for the first time since he disappeared. The hushed sounds of crying followed a few moments later, and Tiedoll tried his best to comfort the small girl. By this point, I had sat on the edge of the bed, fingers idly pushing Kanda's hair back.

"So…what happened?" My mouth had finally gathered the courage to ask what my brain so desperately needed to know. And the moment the words spilled from my lips, I knew I had asked a life-changing question. There was a split second when the already present silence in the room intensified. I pulled my glance away from Yuu for a second to look around the room. Tiedoll's composure was slowly shattering.

"L-Lavi…" The older man tried to say, "Y-Yuu was…" It was too much for the man to handle. He broke down into sobs, and Marie had to finish speaking for him.

"He was raped…"

I literally felt my heart shatter…

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**ENDING NOTES: **Now that I'm getting back on track with the plot, I might be able to actually update more frequently. That is if people are still reading this...


	7. QUESTION FOR READERS

Let me start this by saying this isn't an actual update. I just wanted to fill you guys in on life. It seems like I haven't updated this in two years now? Nevertheless, I still to this day get reviews, faves, and follows on it. So I guess for some reason, people are still reading. Thus, I feel like I should explain to the lack of my presence.

Well, firstly, I had a baby. A little baby boy named Zachary. He was born back in December of 2012. So a lot of the time before that was me being a pregnant mess. I moved back and forth about five times before settling into my current living situation with my fiance and our extended family.

So yeah I had to play adult for a while, but something keeps drawing me back to this story. It's not like my other WIPs where my motivation just fell off the face of the earth. I keep tossing it around in my head, just debating on whether or not I feel like picking it up. And I think I want to just to have something to write in my awkward hours of down-time.

But before I do, I want to leave this up to you guys. You have been some of the most patient people on the face of the planet. So the choice is all yours. Should I pick this back up or leave it to die?


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